my first time

my heart was beating wildly. "i am not ready... i am not ready..." were the words marquee-ing in and out of my head. but there was no other time. this would have to be it. it would have to be now.

i've only just met her. incognizant that we would ever come to this point, i never really took the time to really get to know her.

then there i was, seated with my stomach in knots, painfully awake despite last night's sleepless duty, patiently waiting for her. then she arrived, laid in bed. all the hairs in my body went up, seemingly electrocuted by this meeting. although not the first, it felt like it was.

she laid there, neck hyperextended, waiting for me. i went onto the bed beside her, hesitant on what to do next. i felt clumsy and idiotic. i ran my fingers through her neck, i think rather frequent than was supposed. then, mustering all the courage i have, i opened her up. as gentle as i could, i opened her up. with my bumbling fingers, i made my way in. tenderly i split with my instrument the flesh that came my way. finally i saw the pink membrane i was looking for, the membrane separating me from her. i parted it, then drove my thing inside. a huge burst of energy crashed on to me. I AM INSIDE. we then both took a lung-full of breath.

and that is the story of my first tracheostomy.

the cycle

5:30 am
marge: *awakes with a startle, heart thumping loudly*
ralph: bye, hun. pasok na ko.
marge: *goes with ralph to the door.* ok, hun. see you bukas.
marge: *goes to the bathroom to take a hi-speed shower* shet, late na naman ako nito.

6:15 am
marge: *drives towards EAMC listening to "The Morning Rush." laughs a little, much irritated by the traffic.*

7:15 am
marge: *catches her breath, after ruuning at top speed from the parking lot, through 6 flights of stairs, to the office, as she looks at the "barred" attendance.* late na naman ako, as usual. *in between gasps*

marge then goes on with the rest of her day:

8 am - 12 nn
patient's mom: ano, doctora, xray na naman? kaka-xray lang namin nung isang araw ah.
marge: *annoyed beyond measure* mommy, ginagawan po natin ng paraan para maipasok sya sa operating room kaya po ipapaulit natin yung xray. eto po pera, *tries to wrangle out of her own hand the last one-thousand-peso bill she has on her coin purse* ipagawa nyo po sa labas yung xray para po makuha agad ang resulta. salamat po. *turns around and leaves before she pounces forward and tear off the carotids of the complaining mom using her bare teeth*

marge: ma'am/sir, kunin ko po sana yung resulta ng "______" ni patient "________."
ma'am/sir: *answers either of the following* ok po, eto po./wala pa po, pakibalikan na lang po next year/wala pa po ba sa itaas? may nag-float na po nun./wala po kami na-receive na ganun.
marge: ok po. salamat po.

12 noon
marge: *complains about this-and-that to her co-residents over overpriced canteen food*

12:30 pm - 5 pm
marge: *continues with the left over morning errands*checks and rechecks the pre-op patients, only to find out that they ain't got no blood/materials for the operation/clearance/etc.* exchange one-liner text messages with ralph* have a hearty laugh with some of the ward nurses*

5 - 6 pm
marge: *starts to endorse patients.*tries to give out a "half-smile" as she gets asked a lot of questions that she can't answer because she's too lazy to read cummings.*feels embarassed as she can't remember answers to questions that have been asked over and over again*


9 pm
marge: *drives home, left hand on a cigarette stick and the other on the wheel. contemplates about reading cummings or watching one or two of the stack of dvds she bought ages ago but still haven't got the time to see*

10 pm
marge: *gets out of the car. leaves her stuff on the bedroom floor. goes to the shower to have a decent bath*

11 pm
marge: *opens laptop and plays "plants vs. zombies."*

11:05 pm
marge: *slips into GCS 3 while playing "plants vs. zombies"

5:45 am (the following day)
marge: *awakes with a startle, heart thumping loudly*
marge: *goes to the bathroom to take a hi-speed shower* shet, late na naman ako nito.

and the cycle continues...

iba

after a long hiatus, i have risen to write about death.

a few hours ago, i have experienced my first mortality in this new institution i'm in. and it broke my heart to know that they do things so much differently from what i'm used to.

walang ECG. kalokohan. i understand that the living patients need it more than the dead/seemingly dead. but how can you pronounce someone dead without an ECG tracing?! with a confusing cheap stethoscope that can't even hear a loudly beating heart?! if we were stuck in the middle of the Amazon, i would've just let it go. but we're not. so there.

walang pari. 'pag umaga lang daw may pari, sa gabi, wala. WAT DA??!! kalokohan na talaga 'to.

(other details of what transpired i believe are too foul to be written.)

i learned from this man. in him i was able to do my first tracheostomy. forever will i be grateful. i wish some people would give him some respect, dead as he may be.

death is not something we would ever be accustomed to. or so i thought.

Eternal rest grant unto him O Lord.
And let perpetual light shine upon him.
May he rest in peace.